Posts Tagged ‘Karachi’

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Off Topic

November 18, 2011

“If you want to go over 3000 hits W, you have to write about stuff other than your measly little life”, exclaimed a friend of mine. We no longer speak by the way. He thinks too much of himself. And has great hair. And big round eyes. Anyways, back to the topic. Since I got a lot of free time these days, I thought I’ll give it a shot. I am pretty sure I will get truckloads of fan mail or at least the usual 4-5 comments telling me, begging me, to bring my original style of writing back so here goes nothing:

I didn’t like Rockstar. 98% of the reviews I read on facebook said it was the best things they ever saw. And not just movie wise, the best thing ever to have happened to them. I mean better than Krispy Kreme , Café Clifton chai, Karachi Broast, Captain Saleem’s lollipops & Sunshine Kulfi combined. Something must be terribly wrong with me and most of the critics in India.

For starters, isn’t a rock star supposed to sing rock songs? I have to admit. Sadda Haq was a good one. No one has to agree with me, but for me, other than Ranbir’s acting, I couldn’t find anything captivating in the film. Where were the ‘moments’ we saw in Zindagi na mile gee, Delhi Belly, Brother ki Dulhan…hell even Ra one.

So Ranbir breaks in into a married woman’s house in a foreign country and gets arrested and gets his ass thrown in jail. And that’s the sole reason for his massive popularity overnight? It would have made sense if he had thrown a shoe at Bush Jr. or maybe said anything remotely in tune with ‘Sadda Haq’. See his character was never rebellious or fighting authority. He didn’t want to change the world. He was just a fool in love. Also, it seemed like they put in the dargah sequence just so that they could fit in the qawali. As he didn’t actually pick anything up from there did he? And maybe Farhan Akhter or his dad should have written the boring long ass speech he gave in the middle of a daytime concert.

I’m assuming this was the writer’s pitch to the studio: A not so good singer falls in love. She gets married to someone else for no particular reason and then falls sick. Ranbir sings a few hindi movie style songs at his concerts and after a while, the heroine dies. The End.

“Write about something other than myself..other than myself”. Shit this is difficult. Ok, I know. I will now make a political statement: I like Imran Khan.

What else is going on? Abhishek and Aishwariya had a daughter. Mein kya karoon?  I’m only waiting for the grand piano Katrina will be gifting to Ali Zafar so that I could perform the same kala jadu he did on her will and make him gift it to me. Don’t tell anyone but I have plans to sell it back to Katrina and make some serious dough. Btw, this kala jadu shit really works. And for only Rs. 300/- after taxes. The Saas Bahu packages are worth looking at but the one I’ve been impatiently waiting is the begum special.

Ah, Fashion Week. How can Fashion Week, the biggest event in Pakistan affecting all 18 crore people from top to bottom, left to right be ignored? Here is an in-depth critical analysis on the last one:

Fashion Week took place. Again. Models walked the ramp. Again. And walked back inside. Again. The End.

Since I was 7 (ok 3), I have been wondering where these models are coming from and where do they go when they go back into that darwaza type cheez. Is there like a fountain of beauty running backstage popping up these beauties one by one landing them directly to the door to the ramp wrapped in expensive clothing? Do they jump back into the fountain once they are done and nobody gets to see them again till the next fashion show? Once I manned up and was about to sneak in backstage and the only bald Rockstar we have caught me, “Kidher ja riha hai puttar. Utthay ja apne bewee de kol”. I don’t speak to him much either. He is bad bald man. Cause he walked in himself conveniently.

Which bring me to Music. Faakhir’s song Allah Karay, Allah Karay ke hit ho jayay. As it’s a genuinely good song and Mahnoor looks stunning as usual. Allah karay ke…ok I’ll stop here.

Sports: Burn the Arrrashee wa Murtashees or they will start playing good cricket for our country again. And that is something we as a nation, cannot tolerate.

If you didn’t quite like the review and critical analysis of the most important things affecting the citizens of Pakistan, please send the most deadliest of viruses to faiskap666@gmail.com

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‘The Social Bookface of the Year’

December 26, 2010

This was the year of Mark Zuckerberg, the ‘Times Man of the Year’, Julian Assange, who should have been the ‘Times Man on the Year’, Maulana Fazlu for being Maulana Fazlu, the wicketkeeper who heard ‘Ja Simran Ja’ and thought this was his calling, Ms. Malik for now giving massages on tv and that’s about all the information I could get out of reading that one newspaper at the Dentists’s. (FK: one s or or two s’és here?). Wonder what this last line would sound like if Meera said it out loud.

Facebook is overrated. Why are 500 million people on it? 500 million people are not even on the European sub-continent (ok they are, but you get my point). Remember the actual physical land we humans used to browse and explore around on our tricycles? (Ok, bicycles for you). Dont get me wrong. I love Facebook, I really do. I love knowing who’s doing who on a haystack and self explanatory status updates like ”Mimi doesn’t get it”, “So….” & “Fashion ka Jalwa…” What’s great is how it has 127 comments like “What happened babe?”, “You are gorgeous” “Yes it is..” and other mutual admirations like “You rock”, replied by “No you rock Hunz”, replied by “We both Rock”, finalized by “Cause we are Rawans”…Ayein, where did that come from?

Ok, I’m a hypocrite cause I comment too and chances are that people don’t find my updates as funny as they are to me and my assistant. But the two things that double-handedly take the crown have to be the following:

When using FB on the phone, you can only see like a few updates. Most of the times, these few would be from the same person who is adamant about telling you about his favourite songs from the 60’s, 70’s, 80’s, the 90’s and the 2000’s posting them one after the other. Then there are the ‘Óthers’ who love posting dua after dua, dua after dua, dua after dua (How does it feel now?). I’m sure the ‘Higher ups’ had you at hello.

I don’t mind getting friend requests from complete strangers. Complete as in Zero friends in common. I mean it would be the same if someone on the street walked over to you and said he wants to be your friend and look at your wife’s pictures from the time she was in Hawaii right? But what boggles my mind is when people leave their DP’s blank. I mean what do you want us to do? Guess what you look like? Let our imagination run wild and think it might be a muppet at the other end? I’m sorry maybe its just me but I can’t be friends with a name…a hand print would do, maybe one eye. Ok this is getting weird. But all I can say to people who don’t want to reveal their top secret identities in front of the world, for it may have consequences (like not getting rishtas): Go socialize elsewhere, like Radio!

I finally changed my display picture after a year, maybe more. I am convinced now that either due to global warming or the Zionists, the camera now adds 30-40 pounds. They can find water on Mars but cant find a camera that ‘doesn’t’ add this additional weight. To tell you the truth, no one took a picture of me this entire year. Every now and then, I tried to squeeze into a picture with ‘the gang’ but thanks to this state of the art technology known as ‘Paint’, they always find a way to cut me out. But what doesn’t kill you only makes you stronger. This saying had no relevance here whatsoever but I’ve been meaning to use it since a long time. Thank you cousin Zantiana for the things you do…and tolerate. Guess my new years resolution has to be to come down to 3 quarters of broast at one time. Also, not to use Facebook as the primary form of communication with the wife and kids. I’ve heard Whatsapp is cool these days.

What else? Mahira did that Shoaib Mansoor Movie. Saad Mujeeb got himself a 4 pack. Adnan Siddiqui got wet at the Lux style Awards (by Sprinklers), Shazia met Waseem Akram again after 20 years and immediately filed for divorce. Sharrukh Khan stole Farah’s thunder. Sales of Zandu Baam have gone up. People have stopped naming their daughters Sheila. Ali Zafar didnt recognize Katrina. Inception messed up our minds forever. Muneeb Nawaz won Miami’s famous ‘Yo Mama’ competition, Karachi broast white chutney is still the bomb! (Hopefully this blog will now get flagged and more people will read it).